self-inflicted silence

Time and again, I catch myself in a pattern of forced silence. Oh, I speak to people, but the deeper things are squashed down to the point of making myself ill.

Why? I can’t figure it out myself. It almost seems a sort of passive-aggressive self-flagellation, a punishment that leaves no marks except for an occasional glimpse in my eyes of the frantic buzzing in my head.

We are all a little weird in some way. This is mine. Judge not, etc.

That deep need (and I have finally accepted that it is, in fact, a real need) to write, to engage with another mind on things that matter to me, to wrestle with questions, or just to express an emotion and know that some other soul understands – this need gets in the way of what I should be doing in the real world. I push it down when responsibilities demand more of me. But this burning IS part of my reality. It is me. Finding and keeping balance is not always easy, though.


I hold
the weight
of this day’s
one more
to place
upon the
of stones
each still
with living
of all that
would be
if not for the
of this
I have

and I struggle
to remember
the why of it.


 photo credit: <a href=””>Demion</a> via <a href=””>photopin</a><a href=””>cc</a>
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4 Responses to self-inflicted silence

  1. Jamie says:

    I like you. Happy to be related to someone I can very much relate to. 😉

  2. Taylor says:

    Love this poem! Words stacked like stones. You must feel a bit like Atlas at times.

    That need to know that you’re not the only soul to feel/think/experience something – it’s why we all reach out to each other. And I can guarantee you’re not isolated in those wonderings.

  3. I understand this feeling completely. Wanting to just shut yourself up in a room and forget everything at a moments notice, and just write. Sometimes the longing to express what is swirling in your mind is so overwhelming that it seems to put you in a trance. I understand this feeling completely. Great words Jonnia!

  4. Marjorie says:

    What’s up i am kavin, its my first occasion to commenting anywhere, when i read this post i thought i could also make comment due to this good paragraph.

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