self-inflicted silence

Time and again, I catch myself in a pattern of forced silence. Oh, I speak to people, but the deeper things are squashed down to the point of making myself ill.

Why? I can’t figure it out myself. It almost seems a sort of passive-aggressive self-flagellation, a punishment that leaves no marks except for an occasional glimpse in my eyes of the frantic buzzing in my head.

We are all a little weird in some way. This is mine. Judge not, etc.

That deep need (and I have finally accepted that it is, in fact, a real need) to write, to engage with another mind on things that matter to me, to wrestle with questions, or just to express an emotion and know that some other soul understands – this need gets in the way of what I should be doing in the real world. I push it down when responsibilities demand more of me. But this burning IS part of my reality. It is me. Finding and keeping balance is not always easy, though.

offering

I hold

the weight

of this day’s

silence

one more

heavy

offering

to place

upon the

altar

of stones

stacked

high

each still

throbbing

with living

heat

of all that

would be

spoken

if not for the

crushing

severity

of this

sacrifice

I have

required

of me

and I struggle

to remember

the why of it.

origin_3002914861

 
 photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/7989285@N07/3002914861/">Demion</a> 
via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a><a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc</a>

 

 

 

 

4 thoughts on “self-inflicted silence

  1. Love this poem! Words stacked like stones. You must feel a bit like Atlas at times.

    That need to know that you’re not the only soul to feel/think/experience something – it’s why we all reach out to each other. And I can guarantee you’re not isolated in those wonderings.

  2. I understand this feeling completely. Wanting to just shut yourself up in a room and forget everything at a moments notice, and just write. Sometimes the longing to express what is swirling in your mind is so overwhelming that it seems to put you in a trance. I understand this feeling completely. Great words Jonnia!

  3. What’s up i am kavin, its my first occasion to commenting anywhere, when i read this post i thought i could also make comment due to this good paragraph.

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